


A Long, Lonely Time

by walkandtalk



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, M/M, Post Star Trek: Into Darkness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-04
Updated: 2013-08-04
Packaged: 2017-12-22 09:22:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/911561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/walkandtalk/pseuds/walkandtalk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything, including cheating death, has its cost.  Jim has to decide if it's worth it in the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Long, Lonely Time

\---Seconds---

In the first few seconds of waking, he knew exactly what he needed to know.  Bones alive but rattled and Spock didn’t hate Jim for dying.

Everything else would take care of itself.

****

\---Minutes---

When Bones was sure Spock was gone for a few minutes, going to get ice chips or some nonsense, he pulled up a chair next to Jim’s bed.

“Look, you need to hear this from me,” the doctor said.  “You’re healing well, really well.  It’s a goddamn miracle, nothing we’ve ever seen before.  We’ve got to take this slowly, but we’re all optimistic.”

Jim glanced at the door that Spock went through.  “What’s the bad news?”

“Jim, about the Enterprise...” Bones started, and Jim felt his heart freeze over.  He wouldn’t be fit to captain again.

“Officially, you’re fine.  But I can’t let you back there alone.  Not without me.  Do you know what I’m saying?  What I can’t say?”   _To Spock._  What the CMO was not going to say to his Commanding Officer about his Captain’s health.

Jim nodded, smiling sadly.  “Like I’d go out up there without you.  You’re stuck with me.”

Bones returned a knowing smile.  “I think we all are, now.”

****

\---Hours---

Spock would come in the very late hours to sit with his captain.  Jim had insomnia something fierce, but didn’t want any of the sleeping drugs that Bones supplied him.  Spock would play chess, discuss Khan’s trial, the repairs on the Enterprise, anything Jim wanted to talk about.  They also would spend whole hours saying nothing, which was also what Jim wanted.

“Thank you,” Jim finally said, breaking their comfortable silence.  “I know it wasn’t easy, at the end.”

“I admit my emotions overcame me in the moment,” Spock shared.  “However, I cannot find it within myself to regret them.”

Jim shook his head.  “Not Khan.  I was talking about in the radiation chamber.”

Spock met Jim’s gaze solemnly.  “As was I.”

****

\---Days---

Upon being sprung from the Starfleet Medical, Jim spent two days holed up in the apartment Starfleet provided him.  He refused to answer any calls, didn’t watch newsvids, and never answered the door.

On the third day of his stay, Spock went searching for Jim.  He found the captain in the complex's gym, sitting on the floor, head in his hands, panting.

“Captain?” Spock asked, alarmed.  “Do you require medical assistance?”

“No.  Maybe.  I’m not sure,” Jim rasped, feeling like his heart was going to beat out of his chest.

Jim could sense Spock walking nearer, so he looked up, knowing he probably looked like hell. “Did you overexert yourself?”

Jim laughed roughly at the question.  “Spock, I bench pressed over a hundred kilos.”

Spock would know that this was a fair bit above Jim could do on a good day.  Before.  “You should not strain yourself so soon,” Spock admonished.

Jim laughed again, trying let off some of the hysteria building within him.  “You don’t get it.  It was nothing, I could have done double.”  Jim sobered immediately.  “I don’t think this was supposed to happen.”

Spock placed his hands on Jim’s arms.  “Get up,” he said gently.  “We will contact Dr. McCoy.”

Jim suspected there would be many more days like these.

****

\---Weeks---

The first week he decided to go out on the town, he invited Carol to drinks and then up to his apartment.

An hour later, Carol sat on the dining room chair, face still tear stained and blotching, as Bones set her broken arm.  Her blouse was still unbuttoned, smooth skin and black lace peeking out.

“Jim, it’s okay,” she said again.  “It was an accident.”

Bones worked in silence.  Jim couldn’t answer, wouldn’t speak.  “C’mon Carol, let me get you home,” Bones said, offering her his jacket to slip over her shoulders.

Carol said a soft goodbye, but didn’t look back at Jim, too afraid to see the cracks and holes that hadn’t been healed.  It would be weeks before she could look at the broken captain again.

****

\---Months---

Jim spent three months in Iowa.  Jim hated Iowa with a passion, but the Enterprise was being repaired in Riverside, and that’s where he belonged.  Scotty was (unofficially) living on the ship, overseeing repairs.  Spock comm’ed or visited every day.  Bones made regular visits from Georgia.  Jim spent his time jogging and had dropped strength training from his routine completely.

When the ship was ready for a full inspection, the senior bridge staff assembled for the tour.  They were buzzing with excitement and Jim hadn’t felt this happy in months.  The ship was beautiful, the same if not better, with a few of Scotty’s “personal modifications.”

“Excellent job, Mr. Scott,” Jim said, beaming.  “You are a miracle worker.”

“She’s a fine ship,” Scotty said.  “And I cannae think of a better man to captain her.”

Scotty held out a hand for Jim to shake.

Jim just stared at it, feeling sick.

Scotty’s smile faded and he dropped his hand.  Spock openly stared at Jim, speculation in his eyes.  Bones cleared his throat awkwardly, prompting Jim to plaster a grin back on his face and gently pat his Chief Engineer’s arm.

“Thanks, Mr. Scott.”

The next day, Spock arrived at the farm, a package in hand.

“What is it?” Jim asked, when Spock set the box on the table.

“A training tool young Vulcans use to learn how to modulate their strength,” Spock explained, taking out a container of reeds, small cubes of what looked like sugar, and other assorted items.

Jim watched Spock arrange the items on the table, overcome with some unfamiliar emotion.  “Why?”

Spock considered the question a moment.  “You cannot be expected to live a life without physical contact.”  Spock took out a pair of gloves and donned them.  “First, we will attempt a handshake.”

Jim gave the Vulcan a nervous look.  “Aren’t you afraid I’m going to rip your arm off?”

Spock’s eyes crinkled in the corners, and Jim suspected this might be his version of a smile.  “I remind you that I am more durable than most.”

An hour later, Spock was a little bruised but no worse of the wear, and Jim started feeling hopeful about life again.

****

\---Years---

0100 hours, and Jim was sitting alone in the dark on the observation deck.  Two years into their five year mission, and Jim had discovered that in tough times, the sight of the stars was a comforting reminder of his rightful place.  He was just a tiny speck of dust in the universe.  A fleeting light in the darkness.

Jim felt, rather than saw, Spock enter the room.  “Come to join me or lecture me?” he asked the silent Vulcan.

“I was not aware you had done anything that necessitated a lecture, Jim,” Spock replied, taking a seat next to him.

“It was a hell of an away mission,” Jim said, seemingly apropo of nothing.  Spock nodded.  Their party was struck with a pathogen that aged them over the course of the day.  Most of the party had entered the early stages of dementia by the time Bones synthesized an antidote.

Except for Jim.  A few grey hairs, maybe a some creaks in his knees, but it was the data Bones needed to confirm his unspoken suspicion.

Jim wasn’t aging like he should be.

“ _You might have decades, maybe centuries,_ ” Bones said, reviewing Jim’s blood samples after the away mission.  “ _But if you keep taking these foolhardy risks, I still stand my assessment you won’t survive this commission._ ”

“You are upset by Dr. McCoy’s hypothesis,” Spock said, gazing at the stars and planets drifting by.

“It’s odd,” Jim said, looking over at Spock.  “I always had this feeling, a premonition, that I would die alone.  I would be separated from you, or Bones, or the crew.  But I didn’t realize I could actually outlive everybody.”  Jim looked back out the window, feeling small again.  “I don’t want that.  I don’t think I’m strong enough for that.”  For the millionth time, Jim silently cursed his blood, the stolen blood that separated him in countless ways from everyone else.

He felt a shoulder press against his, an unvoiced permission.  Jim sighed and layed his head on Spock’s shoulder, feeling the comforting warmth of his friend’s presence.  A hand reached around and rested on Jim’s other shoulder, holding him gently.  Spock gave this, sometimes, and Jim was afraid to ask the Vulcan what it meant to him.  These were moments that Jim savored and replayed in his mind.

Spock finally broke their silence in a gentle voice.  “I remind you that I am more long-lived than most.”

Surprised, Jim looked up into Spock’s eyes and found the answer to at least one of Jim’s unasked questions.  There would be time to find the answers to the others.

****

\---Decades---

Spock groaned when he finally collapsed on the sheets, deliciously spent and exhausted.  Jim took the opportunity to sneak away and shower.  He felt sore, but the sprained ankle he sustained was already healed.  When Spock came to, he’d never hear the end of that one.  Not that his bondmate was shy about trying new positions, but even that last one was adventurous by Jim’s standard, and not very wise.  Hence the sprained ankle and bruised tailbone.  Oh well, Jim will survive this too.

It was Spock’s fifth pon farr, and each one was a little easier than the last.  They’ve been t’hy’la for forty years, bonded for thirty five.  The fire between them had been tamed and tempered over the years, but Spock’s pon farr always reminded him of when they were both impossibly young and exploring the galaxy aboard the Enterprise.  

They had four decades, serving with the best crew in the galaxy.  They had seen a generation rise through the ranks, and mentored the generation after it.  It was more than most captains could ever hope for.  After watching so many friends retire, Spock convinced Jim to step aside when the the Enterprise-A was decommissioned.  It wasn’t really retirement, there were more adventures in the universe to be had.  Spock assured him that Romulus was beautiful this time of year.

Jim finished his shower and stepped out, looking at himself in the mirror.  He frowned.  Was that a grey hair?  His first grey hair?

“James,” said bondmate called from the bedroom, hunger still evident in his voice.  Jim grinned.

Yes, it all was so much more than he could have hoped for.

****

\---Centuries---

“.. _.we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way_...” Jim read aloud, voice tiring already.

Spock was drifting in and out of consciousness, and Jim could feel that it wouldn’t be long now.  He lifted a hand to trace Spock’s brow, the skin of his face paper-thin.  Spock roused enough to look up at Jim.

“Hello,” Jim murmured, smiling softly.

“Jim,” he rasped, and then a coughing fit set in.  Jim reached for the settings on the side of the bed and adjusted them, easing his t’hy’la’s pain.  “Jim,” he started again, “you must rest.”

“I’m fine,” he assured Spock.  “We finished Othello, and now we’re reading A Tale of Two Cities.  I’m not even tired.”

Spock’s eyes crinkled in the corners, the not-smile that Jim adored.  “Sleep,” he urged.  “I will be here in the morning.”  Spock’s hand moved across the quilts reaching for Jim’s hand.  Jim clasped it, staring at the prominent green veins and knobby knuckles contrasted against Jim’s strong hands filled with vital Human blood.

Jim released his lover’s hand and stood.  He walked around the bed, shedding his clothes and slipped between the sheets, listening to soft even breathing.  Yes, Spock would be there in the morning.

Every second he had was more than he could have hoped for.

_Fin._

**Author's Note:**

> My first attempt at angst. I love/hate stories like this, I'm mad that I even wrote it. Ugh. Why??!?
> 
> The story Jim is reading to Spock is Tale of Two Cities (nod to TOS).
> 
> The title is inspired by "Unchained Melody" by The Righteous Brothers
> 
> "Oh, my love, my darling  
> I've hungered, hungered for your touch  
> A long, lonely time
> 
> And time goes by so slowly  
> And time can do so much  
> Are you still mine?"
> 
> Life is precious, and you, dear reader, are beautiful. Thanks for reading.


End file.
